a resolution.

It's been awhile since I've felt motivated to sit down and write something in this space. Even now, I'm leaving the cursor blinking, blinking, blinking for moments at a time because I'm not sure what it is that I want to say – or if I have anything to say at all.

I guess in being truthful with you, I was forced to be truthful with myself. What I mean to say is that when I decided to be vulnerable here, it meant that I had to be vulnerable with myself, too. I admitted that my new job was not an easy transition and I admitted that optimism was not so easily found, and it was scary. When I look at those last few posts, I feel sad.

Because I write about my life, there isn't much room for hiding around these parts. My posts relate directly to how I'm feeling and how I'm living out my life. When I'm sad, the writing is sad. When I'm happy, the writing is happy. Naturally, when I flip back through the archives, I can relive the moments I wrote about. In reliving those moments, I can remember the happiness or sadness I felt as I wrote them.

In the interest of moving on, I don't want to dwell on the fact that a new career is hard, especially when it doesn't align with the original vision I had for said career. It's okay, though. I am building a life here and so that doesn't always mean that it will be built smoothly. Of course there's challenges and obstacles. Without those challenges and obstacles, there wouldn't be much to learn, would there?

People often choose a word to associate with a new year, which always seemed a bit contrived to me. These days, it's settling in quite nicely and I no longer feel that it's contrived at all, but actually quite a lovely way to view a new year.

My word for the year is this: Contentment.

I was gifted a book about inner beauty this year, and in it there's a big list of words. I had to circle the five words that most describe who I am. Then, I had to choose five words that I wanted to work toward. One of the words I'm working toward is content.

Content in everything, I think.

Content to stop rocking the boat and just be. Content to live life just the way it is now without feeling the overwhelming need to perfect it in a matter of days or minutes. Because of course I'm working toward building a life, but has it ever hurt anyone to stop and enjoy the scenery and the efforts of the hard work already put forth?

Content, content, content. Even the sound of the word brings peace to my heart.

Happy new year, friends. I'll be back.

what i know at 24.

Admitting to yourself that you don't have it all figured out will free you of the most ridiculous, unnecessary burden. Learning to be okay with the fact that you don't have it all figured out is what takes time and patience. Deep breaths, you will get there.

The noise at the side door — the one that sounds like creepy fingernails scratching on the pane — is, in fact, a branch. Don't let your mind wander any further than that.

The night you don't wash the makeup off your face is not the night that the world will end. The earth will keep spinning and it will be okay.

Patience takes practice. Over and over again.

When given the opportunity to make the brave decision, do it. Live with the consequences, whatever they may be.

Stop saying you're busy all the time and go do things that aren't directly related to your job.

A messy desk is a sign of a messy mind, which will freak you out at first, but some of the messiest minds are also the most interesting. Bask in that.

Don't get to the point where you need to tell yourself that two Cokes in one day is too many.

Be compassionate in all scenarios. Rise up and be the bigger person even if you don't really feel like it.

Cry at a Sigur Rós concert when they start (unexpectedly) playing your favorite song and be okay with the fact that sometimes you don't know what you're doing and it hurts to feel unsure and the jumping off point is unclear, but take the leap anyway. Enjoy the free fall for awhile.

Retail therapy may not really cure anything, but it sure does help.

Sometimes you might find yourself talking out loud in your car while you're completely alone and you might discover that you have really valuable things to say to yourself.

If you spend all your time worrying about how others perceive you, you have wasted your own time and allowed others to dictate the value of your life and how you're living it. Be better than that.

Sometimes something funny will happen and you will have to choose whether to laugh or carry on with the lesson. Choose to laugh, every single time.

well with my soul.

It's fall! Today I woke up and it felt crisp outside. Woody felt it and he leaned hard into the breeze, snout lifted, nose twitching. He takes things in with his whole body. Storing that little detail for later, when I need the reminder to do the same. Yesterday I had lunch bunch with four of my students and one said, "Don't you wish the whole class was eating out here? So they could feel fall, too?" (For the record, yes, I absolutely did wish the whole class was out there.) My sister is in town and we got dinner last night, sangrias and all. We also got gelato and then sat on the couch and watched Parenthood together. Pure bliss and the perfect Friday night, if you ask me. Maybe it's the breeze or the crisp air. Maybe it's the fall leaves my students plastered with October goals and then decorated. Maybe it's all these things combined, but I feel the shift. The light is peeking through the cracks, seeping into the corners. I feel my entire soul finally looking up. Thank you, thank you, thank you. 

life fuels life.

This has been a hard month for me. Without being too specific, I began my new career and found it to be so much harder and more difficult than I could have ever possibly imagined. I am an optimist and believe I will always remain that way. Leading up to my first day, visions of my new career ran through my head in a candy colored, pleasantly blurred panorama. As the onlooker, I was pleased.

Over the past month, every single thread and fiber that held my optimism together in its bright, warm presence was stretched thin and taut, ends unraveling and seams pulling apart to carry the burden of reality. Things did not look all that bright and sunny, a perspective that was new and quite frightening to me. Even typing that out makes me feel uncomfortable because positivity is what radiates through the very center of my being. The past month quieted that and what replaced it was a chilly, uncertain, hard, black, grainy ball of doubt and anxiety. It was alarming to me that something could slip into my life so easily — that I could feel a sense of discontent and be knocked off my perch so easily. I think that's the thing about life's more trying moments — you don't really prepare for them so you're not shielding against them. At least I wasn't.

Well, I can tell you that I walked that path. I walked right through it. There was no detour, or scenic drive, or simple shortcut. It required good, hard walking, straight through the heart of those difficulties and right on through to the other side.

The truth is, there is no simple way to end this post — to tie all my words together into a conclusion or point. I guess the point is that it is a work in progress. I wake up and am thankful and I find the happy moments in life and I use those to fuel me through the more difficult ones. When I begin to look at things this way, it seems as though more and more moments turn into the beautiful ones — sometimes even the difficult moments (In fact, some of those moments become the most beautiful ones.). So it is that life fuels life.

Photo taken in Micanopy, FL — the sweetest and most darling little town, perhaps ever.

beauty in chaos.

The laundry is in a pile in the hamper, which is an improvement after I dumped it all out on the floor and left it there for two days. The truth is, I've never been one for housework and a tidy home is just not that important to me. Feels funny to admit it, since I always apologize for the mess in our home. When I walked into our bedroom after work today and Jeffrey had completely tidied it up, I think my heart sighed with joy! So maybe I actually do enjoy a clean home if I'm not the one who's doing the cleaning.

Days are long lately. I spend most of my time at work — planning, planning, planning. My head's under water and I'm working one day at a time, but step by step is working for me right now so I'll take it. Isn't it funny when you take such a huge breath of relief once you learn that people are in the same boat that you're currently floating around in? Two of my colleagues admitted to feeling very overwhelmed and I immediately felt like ten pounds fell right off my shoulders. It really does make a difference when we're all in it together.

It poured this afternoon and I was actually trapped in my classroom. The lightning was enough to light up an entire city and the thunder made the whole room shake. I couldn't have left if I wanted to. I felt peace, which you would consider a miracle had you spoken to me 24 hours prior to that. I sat there and reveled in it. I grabbed some Raisinets from my stash (both my mom and mother-in-law gifted me with candy to keep at work. Ha!) and planned away like it was nothing. I finally felt like I was getting the hang of something.

New experiences are exciting and terrifying and exhausting and completely eye opening. That is what I learned this week. Or relearned, as the case may be. I think the light at the end of the tunnel might finally be peeking out at me, beckoning and allowing me to take comfort in its lovely little existence.

(P.S. I wrote this post two days ago and am just hitting 'publish' today.)

One of my favorite Portland photos: slightly blurry, a tiny piece of the creek, bustling with life.

moving on, moving out.

Sitting in our nearly empty apartment and the only word I can honestly think of to describe the scene is bittersweet. I believe it is in my nature to be sentimental, even about the most inconsequential of things. However, this feels big. Our first apartment together is in boxes, the walls are nearly blank, and the furniture is gone. All that's left are memories, piled into little corners. Some will be forgotten and others will come with us. Walking to my sister's house for dinner will no longer be a part of my weekly schedule. We won't take evening walks on campus anymore, or go to the co-op down the street to buy our lettuce and dried goods. We are on the brink of the next chapter in our lives. A beautiful, amazing, incredible chapter. The view looks good from here. But that ultimately means that we're closing another chapter. A beautiful, amazing, incredible one. That view looks good from there, too.

Inevitably, growing pains happen. They make things seem more real, more monumental. And that's okay. At least, I'm learning to be okay with it. The truth is, I don't want this chapter in my life to end. At the same time, I'm so ready to embark on our next journey, to take the next step. The horizon is saturated with possibilities, all of which I want to explore. I am straddling two realities, and they're both beautiful.

Most of my friends have left our college town. It is a skeleton of what it used to mean to me. The memories are what I'll truly cherish and I'll bring most of them along, hold onto them until I need room for the new ones. Of course, some will stay forever. Saturday mornings at Starbucks with Jeffrey, Wednesday night breakfast-for-dinner with my sister and brother-in-law, spontaneous lunch dates with friends after summer classes, impromptu marathon trips to the mall with my sister, walks to Chipotle with Jeffrey and Woody, studying in the college of education's library. They are all memories that perfectly summarize my time here in this little town where I learned to be an adult, while still carrying the heart of a child. Our experiences are only as meaningful as we allow them to be and all my experiences here in this little town feel big and meaningful. People always say that college is the best time in your life and I'm not sure I really understood that statement until the moment our furniture was being dragged from our first home together. Down the steps, into the truck bed, onto the next home.

It is a big disconnect right now. Transitional periods have always been difficult for me. Mostly because I can't put the puzzle pieces together, get an idea of the big picture. At least have some idea about the path I'm about to take. It's okay to be uncertain. It's okay not to know. It's okay to take a leap of faith. All things I'm telling myself to remind myself that change is good, it is necessary, it is a breath of fresh air for the soul. Incredible things can happen when you least expect them.

* Photos from our Portland honeymoon, taken at Wahkeena Falls and Forest Park.

getting happily married on a humble budget — the specifics.

I hope that our last post about getting married on a humble budget was helpful or, in the very least, comforting. It can be done! I think that's the most important thing to remember throughout the whole wedding planning process. Beyond that, you'll have a new spouse at the end of your wedding day. What more could you ask for?

For those who are getting hitched on a serious budget, here are five more specific things we can share that might help you. Each wedding is different and that means that these ideas might not be at all useful to you. I hope, though, that by reading through these, you'll get an idea of what you might be able to do to help your budget breathe a sigh of relief.
1. Consider booking a venue that has seating readily available (and is included with the venue). Renting chairs and tables is expensive, which is a cost that might not occur to you immediately. You might walk into your dream venue, discover that it has a reasonable price, move forward with the booking, and suddenly discover that you need to seat your guests somewhere. It is an inevitable cost and is notoriously pricey. Jeffrey and I rented a venue where tables and chairs were copious and available for our use at no extra charge.
2. Forego a traditional DJ. This is a suggestion that might not work for everyone. If your reception is centered around dancing, then it may be important to you that you have a DJ who's in charge of the the music and the announcing. However, because our reception didn't have a dance (we played shuffleboard), we didn't feel that it was necessary to hire a traditional DJ. Instead, we asked a family friend to be in charge of music. We sent him a list of bands/musicians we liked and between him and my dad, they created a giant playlist that basically just streamed through our entire reception. He was in charge of playing the processional and recessional as well.
3. When it comes to flowers, think creatively. The flowers were one of my favorite pieces of our wedding. I couldn't have imagined our space without them, and we wanted a lot of flowers. I think florists are supremely talented at their jobs, but we simply couldn't afford for one to be in charge of all our flowers. Our bouquets and boutonnieres were done by a florist, but we bought the rest of our flowers through Trader Joe's. We originally explored the idea of using a farmers' market vendor (that's what my sister did), but there was not a consistent vendor at our market, so we chose a different path. However, if you can find one, that's the route we would have absolutely chosen had it been available to us.
4. Go a non-traditional route when it comes to food. We wanted to serve pizza at our wedding from the very beginning. (We also entertained the idea of BBQ.) It's our favorite food and we wanted it to be part of our day. We chose to order our food from Cappy's Pizza and the staff was accommodating and willing to serve us, even though they don't typically do weddings. Jeffrey's aunt was gracious enough to make the salads, which I believe saved us some more money. Because we didn't choose a traditional wedding caterer, the price was significantly reduced. We provided the dishware and cutlery, but that was no problem compared to what a traditional catering service would have costed. We made the desserts ourselves, which was another way to lower the cost of food. In addition, we also did not serve alcohol. Neither of us are big alcohol drinkers, so we didn't feel it was necessary. This was a personal choice and wouldn't work for everyone! However, it saved us a great deal of money, so it's something to consider. :) (Another good option may be purchasing the alcohol yourself, instead of offering an open bar.)
5. Get married on a not-Saturday. Because weddings typically happen on Saturdays, venues know that they can mark their prices up on those dates. However, if you choose another day of the week to get married, you'll likely get a discount. We got married on a Sunday. We looked at a few different venues before we chose ours and consistently found that prices were less expensive on not-Saturdays.

There are plenty of ways to live within your budget, if you're willing to think creatively and approach things from a different angle. While it may be initially more time consuming, it ends up adding a special touch to your wedding and makes things unique and personal. I think our wedding ended up being a great representation of who Jeffrey and I are as people and that was largely due to the fact that we were very involved in all aspects of our wedding. We had to think creatively and it ended up serving us well!