This has been a hard month for me. Without being too specific, I began my new career and found it to be so much harder and more difficult than I could have ever possibly imagined. I am an optimist and believe I will always remain that way. Leading up to my first day, visions of my new career ran through my head in a candy colored, pleasantly blurred panorama. As the onlooker, I was pleased.
Over the past month, every single thread and fiber that held my optimism together in its bright, warm presence was stretched thin and taut, ends unraveling and seams pulling apart to carry the burden of reality. Things did not look all that bright and sunny, a perspective that was new and quite frightening to me. Even typing that out makes me feel uncomfortable because positivity is what radiates through the very center of my being. The past month quieted that and what replaced it was a chilly, uncertain, hard, black, grainy ball of doubt and anxiety. It was alarming to me that something could slip into my life so easily — that I could feel a sense of discontent and be knocked off my perch so easily. I think that's the thing about life's more trying moments — you don't really prepare for them so you're not shielding against them. At least I wasn't.
Well, I can tell you that I walked that path. I walked right through it. There was no detour, or scenic drive, or simple shortcut. It required good, hard walking, straight through the heart of those difficulties and right on through to the other side.
The truth is, there is no simple way to end this post — to tie all my words together into a conclusion or point. I guess the point is that it is a work in progress. I wake up and am thankful and I find the happy moments in life and I use those to fuel me through the more difficult ones. When I begin to look at things this way, it seems as though more and more moments turn into the beautiful ones — sometimes even the difficult moments (In fact, some of those moments become the most beautiful ones.). So it is that life fuels life.
Photo taken in Micanopy, FL — the sweetest and most darling little town, perhaps ever.
Great post, Roxanne, no need to try to varnish or tie it up neatly in a bow! I admire your honesty, your beautiful positive heart, and your moxie (yes, turns out Roxy gots moxie). Concentrate on the good and your contribution to the good...you should be proud, I hope you feel a fraction of the pride that I feel for you! You're the best, and I don't lie!
ReplyDeleteI am very proud of you. Keep looking for the beauty and the humor, too! Thank you for being an inspiration. XXOO
ReplyDelete"I think that's the thing about life's more trying moments — you don't really prepare for them so you're not shielding against them. At least I wasn't." -- I can't tell you how much this sentence has resonated with what I've been experiencing in my own life recently.
ReplyDeleteI love your outlook on life and your determination to take the ugly part of it and use it to grow.
Christina, I love when you have the chance to comment here. Your words are always so wonderfully encouraging! I'm glad that some of my words can resonate with you and thank you for such an uplifting compliment. I am working hard to take those ugly parts and use them for good — thank you!!
DeleteHi guys - this is Kelsi, Jeffrey's old cohort @ TJ's - I peek at your blog every now and again and it's great! Roxanne, I hear you, the first year teaching is by far the hardest (or so I hear). I am both excited about and dreading being the lead teacher next fall when my MAT is done. As they say with the first year, "you're learning to fly the plane as you're building it." So much tougher than anyone might expect! Good luck and hang in there!! (also, what grade are you teaching? I'm with a kindergarten class right now).
ReplyDeleteKelsi, yes! The first year absolutely blindsided me — and I would consider my internship to have been a pretty great preparation (I had wonderful mentor teachers for an entire year). I love the plane analogy! My principal uses an architect analogy and says that I am designing the building and also building the building, all while people are already living in it!
DeleteThank you so much for the encouragement -- words of positivity from others really helps me get through it all, so I really do appreciate it!
I teach 3rd grade! I hope you're enjoying kindergarten -- is that the grade level you're hoping for?
That's an awesome analogy - if you need a little dark humor to get you through it: don't let the plane crash (there's going to be some turbulence, folks) or the building burn down!
ReplyDeleteI'm loving kindergarten, and I think it's helping me to wade in to this whole thing. I like the younger grades a lot. They are still pretty innocent and not at all jaded yet (and they pretty much do what you ask!). 3rd grade is cool, though, because their sense of humor is more well-developed and they are at the age when they can start to handle more responsibility and start thinking critically. If you're having trouble, read "Skinnybones" aloud to your kids. I remember my 3rd grade teacher reading this book to us and I STILL remember how funny it was 20 years later. It's such a hit.
My mentor teacher is a seasoned pro, and we have both an ELL specialist AND a para-pro in the classroom. She's like, "my job is CAKE this year!". Her advice was don't take it too seriously, don't get into power struggles with the kids, and laugh a lot!